Grizzly Ice
It's not enough just to make roast potatoes anymore. No, they have to be parboiled, lightly beaten roast potatoes basted in duck fat with thyme and flaked white truffle. So it's no great surprise to discover that crudely lumpen snowmen have been ousted this year as my admittedly talented neighbours created a near-life size render of a polar bear. I was going to build one myself, but I don't think I'll bother. *Sniff*
Bella Bella!
Thanks to old friends, new friends and the generosity of An Outlet and staff in providing a snug location for our festive re-staging of one of my favourite projects from this year, Scratch 'n Sniff Cinema presents Gregory's Girl. I'm still not tired of it and laugh all the harder for silently mouthing the script in advance. The Tunnock's range of Scottish playground snacks were enjoyed by all (well, me), whilst the experience was enhanced by my friend Maria knocking over her drink as I shouted the cue "Number six!", which she followed up by loudly exclaiming "Sh*t!"
It turns out she wasn't too far from the truth..!
Kraak
A new, not-for-profit gallery and performance space has mushroomed into being above Hula's Tiki bar in Stevenson Square, Manchester. Although it took our finest Miss Marple-like detective skills to find the place as we followed a trail of chalked hieroglyphics, we eventually gained entry to Kraak and what remains at present a 'squat space' for their first Late Night Live Art event.
There were records to be smashed with a hammer, an amplified coat, twiddly knobs, cheap beer served through a hole in the kitchen door, strangely comfortable bust furniture and a lady eating passages offensive to women from Leviticus with a knife and fork.
Architectural Punch Bowl
Having missed the opportunity to attend Alcoholic Architecture (a walk-in cocktail fog of vaporised gin and tonic), Futurist Aerobanquet and Hendrick’s Horseless Carriage of Curiosities, there was no way I could pass up the chance to sample the latest culinary creation of Bompas & Parr (co-conspirators in this year’s summer silliness). Courvoisier's Architectural Punch Bowl was billed as the world’s largest cocktail, inspired by grandiose gestures of old by eminent gentry who really knew how to throw an OTT knees-up.
The Decontamination Chamber
Tickets sold out fast, but at a reasonable £6.50 for a one-off experience with drinks thrown in proved exceptional value. After hopping on a train south (as ever, it was to be in London, hosted in the bowels of 33 Portland Place – a Victorian mansion favoured by the celebrity party set and location of Amy Winehouse’s music video for Rehab), I met up with my pal Suzy P, creator/editor of counter-culture magazine Nude and bible of all things offbeat.
Positive discrimination... dirty beards, dirty!
Staff were dressed in surgical whites and requested visitors to sign a medical disclaimer before entry was allowed. I was tickled by a very specific question about whether or not we had recently suffered a seeping ear infection, which led to unhelpful throughts about cheese-like crumbling or projectile squirting. Having ticked NO to all, we passed through to the scrubs room, there to be disinfected and dressed in disposable pinnies, hairnets and beard snoods for those who required them.
HRH Suzy, Queen Ribenaberry
A strong scent of booze wafted through the entire building, the source being the adjacent games room and our ultimate destination. Here a small crowd had gathered, similarly attired, around the star attraction: a giant pool accessed by steps glowing a deep, regal purple, containing an estimated 4,000 litres of adult pop - enough for 25,000 servings. Lit by sunk lamps and garnished with radio-controlled lily pads laden with plastic fruits, we were served a generous glass directly from the waters while I eagerly signed up for the lucky dip… the chance to take a punt across the surface.
- My life on the ocean wave
It wasn’t long before my name was called and I gingerly stepped up and onto a raft in the shape of a man-sized slice of orange. Long suppressed ambitions to appear on The Crystal Maze bubbled to the surface as I propelled myself across the waters using a system of ropes installed at head-height, with no purpose other than sheer bloody wonderment at straddling a giant plastic citrus fruit.
Tea break at the Mr Kipling factory
All profits from the 3-day installation are to be donated to Article 25, a UK registered charity that designs, builds and manages projects to provide better shelter wherever there is disaster, poverty or need.
Magical, inspirational and completely unforgettable.
In my dark cupboard
Shhh! Are you coming? Just a few places left for an invite-only film screening of a 1981 classic starring John Gordon Sinclair, Clare Grogan (of Altered Images, above) and Dee Hepburn, although the true star of the title that I'm being deliberately vague about is Allison Forster, as the lead's little sister, steeped in a Yoda-like wisdom beyond her years. Here's a clue. Friday 11th December, An Outlet, Manchester.